Half
the marriages are going to end in divorce. The other half aren’t
happy. And you are going to ask, "how’s the wife"? You
idiot.
So
talk about the kids right?
Hello?
Anyone in there.
Do
you have kids? Do you have kids squared? (That’s a kid who is
between 15 and 18)
The
world has changed!
Place
human beings in the same living space for long enough and you
can guarantee a few things.
First,
you know that if they don’t hate each other yet... they fight,
argue, bicker, quarrel, yell, hoot and holler (not necessarily
in that order).
As
men become more expendable…they’re getting expended….like getting
shot out of a PEZ dispenser.
Relationships
don’t have to go to hell in a hand basket, most are already there.
Not
Every Relationship is Worth Saving
Now
before I go too far here, know this..., not all relationships
are worth saving.
I’ve
worked with enough people over the years to know that abuse is
a pretty common fact of life. (With both sexes being equally as
capable of whacking around a spouse with or without kitchen utensils
in hand.)
Chances
are that relationship, given that behavior on a regular basis,
doesn’t need to recharge, it needs to end.
But
there’s the vast majority of relationships that simply go the
way almost all relationships go.
You
can’t put people together on a boat or in a room, keep them there
and think they’ll all like each other more in 10 years. That’s
just not real. You don't hate the lady three doors down. You can't
stand the one on the couch next to you because she has done 246
things to hurt you over the last few...days.
So,
is the grass greener on the other side?
The
Grass is Always (Not) Greener
The
lady down the street. Shoot. She's good looking and attractive.
And she's never done a dang thing. (Of course you've never been
in a room with her for long...or if you have don't come running
to me for protection!)
No,
the opposite is the case.
Everyone
was married to the psycho-bish or rectal empty part of a donut…and
then they found their new person…and about 18 months later they
realized that the new person is a psycho wacko too.
The
deal is this: We, as humans, are all pretty nuts.
Get
over it.
The
grass is always greener elsewhere. Sunglasses make everything
look better outside and you take them off and see your life inside…and
it’s always the same…whatever that is.
Pretty
soon you have war or “cold war.” (One is loud, one is quiet, neither
is good.)
Let’s
say there are four people in a “family.” (20 years ago a family
was two adults and two kids. Today it’s a single parent with a
divorced Dad visiting the Step Dad’s house…with a kid from marriage
A, B and C.) Single parents for the first time have the majority
of households in America.
That’s
a cultural and economic disaster inches away from falling off
the cliff.
Today
I’m going to play devil’s advocate and pretend like a relationship
you’re in might be worth saving, building, creating or designing.
Now,
even if that’s crazy, I promise that you’ll get cool ideas that
just might make life work.
Chain
of Command
Back
to the four people in a family…four people in a room…
(Scary
how that works huh?) Identify your position in the family and
find ways to soften your stance. If you're the "leader",
ask your partner's opinion more often before making decisions.
Let them know that they are important and their opinions matter.
If
you are the "supporter" in the relationship and have
come to resent your partner's "bossiness", then find
your voice and speak your opinion assertively.
Include
your children in family activities. When there is a disagreement,
keep it between the two individuals and learn effective
conflict resolution skills so that no one needs to feel like
a mediator.
What's
a very special tool you can use to help rebuild your relationship?
The
Emotional Bid
When
someone tries to communicate something to another in an effort
to make things better, we’re going to call that an “emotional
bid.”
The
Emotional Bid.
I
love the term and wish I would have coined the phrase. It means
just about anything you do or say to attempt to connect
with someone. Keep these in mind as you read on and realize
how many opportunies you have to connect with your mate.
* “How are you?”
* “How are you feeling?”
* “Want to watch CSI tonight?”
* “Dinner was good.”
* “Would you massage my back for a minute?”
Those
are emotional bids and because relationships often go from fire
and flame... to roomies...there could be benefits in putting some
spice back into life!
How?
Tips
for Rebuilding a Healthy Relationship
1.
Start Over
One
of my favorite songs is John Lennon’s “Starting Over.” "It's
been so long since we took the time. No one's to blame. My how
time flies...so quickly." When couples first get together,
everything is new and exciting. They overlook the little annoying
things the other person does.
However,
as time passes, the nagging starts. Instead of hearing, “You look
beautiful,” they might hear “Why are you wearing that shirt?”
If
this sounds like your relationship, first, the two of you need
to sit down and be honest that things have changed. Identify the
things each other did in the beginning of the relationship that
created the attraction in the first place. Then together, make
a commitment to start over. The truth is, both of you will have
to work on this. It will not automatically be easy but it is possible.
Start
by forgiving each other, forgetting the past, and then start over
with the flirtation. Focus only on the special things your mate
does and relearn to put the unimportant things aside. It will
take some time so be patient.
2.
Schedule Time
Time
together is crucial. It’s the whole ball game. Recent research
I’ve been delving into about rejection essentially shows that
relationships split because time together dwindles down. Time
is the commodity of a relationship. Nothing is more important.
This
time can be with friends, dining out, attending a sporting event,
or cuddling together while watching a favorite movie. The activity
is not what is important but the fact that you are together, doing
something that you both enjoy. People have extremely busy schedules
and between work, family, the home, errands, and everything else
going on, finding time for your mate can be difficult.
Just
as you would schedule a meeting on your calendar, show some courtesy
in the relationship by scheduling time with each other. Once the
plan is in place, no backing out unless you have some life and
death emergency.
I’ve
always been big on scheduling things that matter with people that
matter. I’ve never seen anything to change my mind.
3.
The Power of Touch
When
a child is ill, doctors will tell you that it is proven that a
simple, loving touch of a parent can sometimes quickly pull the
child through a crisis. It is the same for relationships.
Playing
with your partner's hair, rubbing their hand, a soft kiss on the
neck, a soft pat on the leg or giving a gentle back rub will make
a huge difference in how your mate responds to you.
Hey,
when was the last time you walked up to your mate for no reason
and without saying a word, affectionately placed a kiss on their
neck? This is not in a sexual way, but an affectionate way. There
is a difference. The next time the two of you are sitting in the
car, at the grocery story, or standing in line at the theater,
quietly reach over and take their hand.
Do
not be surprised if you get a strange look of curiosity the first
time!
You
know, like the “where were you last night” face…
4.
Surprise
If
you and your partner have scheduled some time for a Friday night
dinner, put together a surprise instead. For example, if your
partner loves opera, buy some tickets near the front and let them
take a friend…(just kidding) …or if they like concerts, purchase
the tickets ahead of time, getting the best seats possible.
When
Friday night comes around, insist on driving and head toward the
location where the event is taking place. When asked where you
are going, simply answer, "I have a surprise for you."
The
idea of you getting the tickets for something THEY like and then
keeping it as a special surprise will touch
the heart!
5.
Needed Space
As
important as it is to spend quality time together, it is equally
important to give each other time to do something they like. If
your partner loves to fish (I live in Minnesota, it’s hard to
think of people doing anything but…sometimes) but you have no
desire to bait a hook with little, slimy worms, or if you like
to go to the casino but your girl would rather do something different,
encourage each other to take time apart.
Hey,
most of the casinos have Spas now where you can get a massage
for an hour. Seems like a dandy gift idea to me…
6.
No Debates
If
you know that you and your partner have proven differences in
opinion on certain subjects, avoid those subjects.
DUH.
You
think they’re going to change with YOU doing the persuading???
If
you haven’t gone through the first 60 Volumes of The Science of
Influence on CD, you have no chance!
If
you are a Republican and your partner is a Democrat, politics
should probably be avoided. As the two of you identify new topics
that could cause a debate session, stop the conversation before
it even gets started.
What’s
the point?
7.
Put the Kabosh on B.S. Talk
If
you are married, especially with children, break out of the habit
of talking about nothing. Many times, families will be sitting
around the dinner table and the conversation consists of, “Do
you like your carrots?”, or “I wonder what is on TV tonight?”
Instead,
change your strategy to include real questions, showing real interest.
Replace the normal, “Did you have a good day at work?” with “Tell
me what you did at work today.” Even if you do not understand
everything being said, listen with interest. It is not that you
are so much interested in the work, but your partner’s life.
8.
Re-establish Old Traditions
If
you and your partner had a tradition of some kind when you first
got together, dust it off and breathe life back into it.
Perhaps
you met after work on Friday at the local pub for a drink, washed
your cars together every Saturday morning, or attended church
together on Sunday. Whatever it was, re-establish the tradition.
See what happens.
9.
Lighten Up
Often
when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy
spots in their relationship, things tend to get serious. It could
be that there is a tremendous amount of tension or perhaps they
are not sure what to say.
Regardless
of the reason, learn to lighten up.
Do
not take every comment, glance, or movement as a serious problem.
If
your mate makes a mistake, which you both will, let it go, or
if appropriate, laugh about it. If you make a mistake, do not
be afraid to poke fun at yourself. This will automatically start
the process of tension breaking.
10.
Communicate
When
couples are having problems in a relationship, communication
is the first thing to stop. It is often easier to just be quiet
than to get mad. When rebuilding relationships, just as communication
was the first to stop, it now needs to be the first to start.
This
is where the emotional bid comes in handy.
This
will require that both individuals let down their guard and pretty
much throw caution to the wind. Healing in the relationship cannot
start until you talk. Make an agreement that you will talk about
anything and everything and that you will listen, really listen.
That
does not mean that you will agree with everything, which is perfectly
fine. However, if you do not agree, do not yell, rather, the two
of you need to calmly discuss the issue and together, work out
a solution. This is hard work but within a very short time, you
will both feel much better, individually and as a couple.
11.
A Night of Passion
FINALLY
we get to the good stuff. Took forever, I know…cut me some slack…
Intimacy
and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy...and
fun…
Couples
need to enjoy being together in an intimate way. When relationships
are troubled, the last thing either person wants is to be sexual
or passionate with each other.
They
wouldn’t think of “giving something to that jerk.”
However,
this is a part of the healing and rebuilding of the relationship
and although it might be awkward in the beginning, it is crucial.
Make your intimate time together special.
Surprise
your partner with a warm bubble bath, lighted candles, soft music,
and a bottle of wine, or reserve a nice romantic evening at a
local hotel to include a wonderful candlelit dinner, fine wine,
and a beautiful room.
12.
Dinner Party
Start
a new tradition of hosting a dinner party every other month or
two and inviting several of you and your partner’s friends.
Set
up board games that everyone will enjoy, have some light and lively
music playing, and plan to have a blast. Spending time with friends
in this kind of setting is a great way to reduce stress. When
stress is low, couples get along better. This is a wonderful way
to interact with each other’s friends as a couple.
My
experience in life has been when friends are over, they say things
you are thinking to your partner and it takes a lot of pressure
off of you.
And,
lastly, a way to make your partner feel very, very special...
13.
Happy Birthday
As
people grow older, in general, birthdays become less celebrated.
Gifts are quickly given, meals eaten, and it is over. For your
partner’s next birthday, take some time to plan something very
special.
DON’T
BUY ROSES.
Instead,
buy their OTHER favorite flowers and have the florist put in some
cool and unusual colored flowers. It shows you took the time to
do something different.
Make
this a true celebration of their life as a way of showing your
love and appreciation. Every person, even adults, like attention
and love to be appreciated.
I
promise, they will be impressed that you went to all the effort
just for them.
